Ever stop and think about time? Like how technology has gotten so far, but we still haven’t discovered how to manipulate time? Growing up there’s nothing I wanted more than to have the ability to control time. Mainly because I got into trouble a lot, and a good deal of horrible situations I wanted to go back and fix. Let’s be real, who wouldn’t wanna go back and fix some mistakes or even stop events from happening? Maybe a bad break up, bad choices, maybe even a really bad outfit you wore in middle school. We’ve all been there.
I grew up in an abusive home, physical, emotional, and sexual. I got the works. Growing up in home like that brought forth a lot of problems for me. I struggled with social interaction, addiction to pornography, anger issues, depression. Probably the most painful was the lack of acceptance, understanding, and love from my parents because of past events that lead to a lot of hidden emotions and me constantly pushing them away. I looked for what I couldn’t get at home through a variety of different things; relationships, drugs, and engaging in a lot of promiscuous behavior. I was what the urban dictionary would define as a “savage”.
In high school I struggled a lot with depression and anxiety. Actually to the point where my heart would act up and cause me physical chest pain. They even tried to put me in a mental hospital. It probably would’ve done me good, they’re not bad, I was just too cool. It didn’t stop, my head was so wrapped around my mistakes and my past, I let it define me. I tried to serve God, I tried so desperately to change my life around, but I failed to let go of my past. I wanted to move my clock backwards. I would think, if only I could go back and fix these mistakes and mishaps my life would be so much better. I was haunted by a fear that I’ll never get out of it. An endless cycle of pain and apathy. Needless to say the clock keep ticking, moving forward.
Then there came a day when my clock stopped ticking. I realized why my clock never went backwards. I was in church one day and after a really powerful sermon about getting our lives back together and getting closer to God, the speaker did an altar call. (For those who don’t know, an altar call is basically when someone calls people up to altar to pray for them.) Immediately I felt convicted to go up because everything he had said was for me in that moment. So I walked up there not really knowing what to expect but I kept telling God I wanted to be closer to Him. At first I felt undeserving to be up there, yet I knew that’s where I was suppose to be. And as I stood there at the altar talking to God, I felt like I was worth something. That I wasn’t just an ugly stain to the world, but a beautiful child in God’s loving embrace. For the first time, I felt like my life had a meaningful purpose. As I walked away from the altar that day I knew why my clock couldn’t go backwards, because everything, good and bad had let up to that moment. And everything that happened to me will not define me but build my character as a man of God. I let go of my chains, and made them into a bridge to get me closer to God.
I pray that this will speak to the heart of someone out there that struggles with their past. Let me tell you that you are not defined by the circumstances or situations, but instead they are building your character as a man or woman of God. You are filled with worth and purpose. Seek out for God, but also let Him find you. It’s safe to say we’ve all at one point ran away from God. Stop running, and let God find you. Have a moment with God where your clock will stop ticking so you can see the beauty of your life in His hands rather than the mistakes of your past.